more drama than your mama

Each month the editorial staff of The-Jets will be running down the power rankings of Portland Ultimate.

1-Whorezach
What do you get when you put together a team of former all stars that had all previously announced their retirement? You get the most dominant team in town. Relying almost entirely on a roster of players over 35, they can easily rent a car, get lower insurance rates, and get elected president easier than any other team in town.
Whorezach has vowed to not put together a single practice, and if they can follow through with that declaration and also get Val to come back, I see Nationals in their future. Submitting a UPA roster for sectionals will also be a snap since 3 digit numbers are easy to memorize.

2-PenFifteen
P is riding high on its groundbreaking performance at Cramp Up. Upsetting the heavily favored Breaker’s Mark in pool play should give them confidence for the rest of the year. Finding a suitable medium between not having enough players on their team for tournaments and really not having enough players on their team for tournaments will be the situation that decides whether P is a flash in the pan in the rankings, or if they can ride it out for the year.

3-Breakers
Utilizing the mob rule theory of having as many noncommittal players as possible on your squad, look for Breakers to continue their up and down results of the current year. When your team either decides they never want to practice or that they always want to practice or they don’t care about results or they want to get serious or they want to be drunk or they want to be high…nerves might be frazzled as the tournaments keep coming. Breakers has the talent to dominate in a the current parity, but do they have the talent. Could jesus make a rock so big not even he could lift it?

4- Peepshow
Peepshow hasn’t made many waves yet in town, mostly keeping to themselves. Conducting secret practices that are so secret not even some of their former players have been told where they occur.
Look for Peepshow to fine tune their spread offense over the course of the summer and figure out a new play other than: twin 1 huck to twin 2 or Eaton underneath for the reset.
Maybe the biggest question facing this team is if they will still be red now that Breakers pulled out the red jerseys first this year. This could even be a bigger question than how can you play coed if you got half your team pregnant over the winter.

5-Triceratops
Triceratops has nowhere to go but up. With a strong youthful core that currently never comes to play with them because the core is busy trying out for Rhino and Schwa, look for them to jump in the standings once they actually put together a team. Can you have a core that is peripheral? Triceratops will find out.

6-The Coltrane
Started the year on an 0-9 streak, but bounced back nicely to **** * * * *** * ** * * * *
(Nobody really remembers or cares who won Beer brackets).
As Portland’s oldest continually run team, the strength of continuity has turned into a leaden albatross around their necks. With a bloated roster full of has beens, Coltrane has sunk to the level of allowing returning players to pick and choose when they feel like coming back to practice. Most have chosen to come back later rather than sooner.

Labels: like a real sport